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Shamanistisk babyrytmik


Skrevet af Anders, 3. juli 2017, klokken 19:45 Emne: Børn

Kan I huske mig? Jeg skrev for efterhånden flere år siden et par blog-indlæg, hvor jeg forsøgte at være sjov på mit nyfødte barns vegne. Nu har jeg så været dum nok til at få endnu et barn, så på utallige opfordringer og for at få mine umådeligt store mængder af overskudstid på barsel til at gå må jeg hellere fortælle jer lidt om, hvordan livet er i barselsland, runde to!

 

Sig hej til Kaj. Han meldte sin ankomst i september sidste år, efter hvad der sammenlignet med den første vel nærmest må betragtes som en rutine-fødsel. Han er den dejligste lille glade dreng i verden, og jeg vil spare jer for detaljerne omkring hans afføring, nætterne, hans tissemand, babysvømning, madindtag og andre kedelige ting. Altså i hvert fald ikke udover, at afføringen er i den hårde ende (here we go again…), nætterne er stadig slemme (men mest for François og Bertrand - kan I huske, hvem det er?), han har en tissemand (og han elsker at pille ved den hele tiden - fars dreng!), han er vild med at svømme ligesom sin søster, og han spiser masser af mad (hurra!), hvilket trods alt gør det en del lettere for undertegnede at være på barsel med ham.

 

KajOgFar

Hyggebillede af Kaj og undertegnede. Hvis nogen mangler elastikker, så er Kaj leveringsdygtig.

 

Når det nu ikke lige er sæson for babysvømning, så har mor haft Kaj med til babyrytmik. Så da mor en mandag var forhindret, måtte far jo så træde til. Babyrytmik kan nok bedst beskrives som en kombination af en mødregruppe, mor/barn-gymnastik, salmesang, hot-yoga, shamanisme og fællessang om bålet på Thy-lejren. Bevæbnet med ikke meget andet end en adresse og en kode til den pivåbne port ankommer Kaj og jeg i nogenlunde god tid. Stedet er selvfølgelig fyldt med små børn og, ja, ammende kvinder. Ikke en mand i sigte, og jeg overvejer straks i desperation at gå ud til håndværkerne i gården for at suge en sidste smule maskulinitet i mig (altså ikke…never mind…). Kaj er ligesom jeg mærkbart nervøs, i og med at han kvitterer med en lorteble, lige da vi skal til at gå ind i salen. #dadfail nummer et er så, at jeg selvfølgelig er kommet afsted uden vådservietter. Havde det nu været et vilkårligt andet sted, havde det nok ikke været det store problem, men jeg må nu kontakte en rundkreds af simultan-ammende mødre (uden at fornærme nogen mindede det altså rigtig meget om en hønsehus, hvor en flok høns sidder kaglende og ruger på hver deres æg). Det føltes som at vade ind til royal middag på D’Angleterre og med det samme få rettet en lysspot på ens hvide sokker i sandalerne. Anyway, vi får ordnet ekskrement-problemet og træder veloplagte ind i salen, nu dog for sent - #dadfail nummer to. Jeg bliver nu mødt af en rundkreds bestående af seks storbar…øhm… veludrustede kvinder i følgeskab med deres børn samt en kvindelig instruktør. #dadfail nummer tre: jeg har så lige den dag valgt - meget passende - at tage min ældgamle dødningehoved-metal-tshirt på. Mest fordi jeg jo gerne vil signalere min udbredte interesse for dødsmetal og det okkulte - perfekt til en gang babyrytmik.

 

Og hvad laver man så til babyrytmik? Jo, man antager i hvert fald, at samtlige deltagende forældre ”bare” kan de ca. 10 sange, der kommer som på samlebånd. Jeg kender selvsagt ikke en eneste, så i henhold til den utvetydige, normative sociale kontrakt brummer jeg lavt og uforståeligt med: ”Hmmm…dada dum… kommer Pellefanten…uuuhhh… mmmmmmmm… han hedder Kaaaaaaj jaa… bum bummelum… weeeeeeh!” Under sangene vælger instruktøren (hvis uddannelse jeg sikkert slet ikke kan udtale) at spille på forskellige instrumenter, blandet andet fløjte, guitar og tromme, og det er her, der går lidt Thy-lejr i den. Det ville ikke komme som en overraskelse, hvis et genfærd fra en nordamerikansk indianerstamme pludselig skulle komme svævende forbi, mens jeg storsvedende kaster rundt med Kaj og prøver at undgå at støde ind i andres ben, bryster og babyer, som nådesløst flyver gennem luften.

 

Med jævne mellemrum kommer der med fløjlsblød kvidderstemme så pludselig et dessin fra shamanen: ”Og så laver vi lige frøen!” ”Frøen”, tænker jeg, det lyder frækt…det er det overhovedet ikke. Jeg kæmper med at følge trop, mens alle mødrene uden nogen former for instrukser lægger sig ned på ryggen og syngende placerer deres babyer på deres løftede ben. Her kommer så #dadfail nummer fire: jeg har tilsyneladende også fået lidt for løse bukser på den dag, så der er pludselig elektriker nok til at få installeret stærkstrøm i en mellemstor midtjysk provinsby. At jeg herudover på nuværende tidspunkt kampsveder, gør ikke min medfølelse med de andre deltagendes nethinder mindre.

 

Sange og øvelser skrider langsomt fremad i de 50 minutter, vækkelsesceremonien varer. Blandt skal jeg også nedsænke min søn i et badekar fyldt med store kugler. Undervejs har jeg som eneste orne i mudderet på fornemmelsen, at skal jeg være en del af fællesskabet, er jeg nødt til selv enten at begynde at amme Kaj (upassende?) eller smide et par ammebrikker i for hyggens skyld, eftersom der konstant bliver rettet på disse. For jer, der løber længere ture, kan dette måske endda anbefales, til når man lige har købt en ny løbetrøje. Vi har vel allesammen løbet rundt om søerne med blødende brystvorter, ikke?

 

Kuglebad

Min søn nedsænket i et kar med store kugler. Det' ikk' så ringe endda...!

 

Kaj elsker babyrytmikken, og da jeg storsvedende og mildest talt lettet sidder tilbage, kommer tre af de ”andre mødre” hen og tilkendegiver sig som hhv. to fra Susannes nye mødregruppe og en gammel efterskoleveninde. Her havde man lige håbet på en nogenlunde anonym klump #dadfails, men nej…suk. Kaj og jeg flygter hurtigt ud og spiser vores mad på gaden i stedet.

 

Eftersom min kone har opfordret mig til at skrive lidt kortere (men til gengæld flere) indlæg, vil jeg stoppe nu. Næste gang er der lagt op til bl.a. en opdateret status på Esther samt lidt før- og efter-sammenligning af livet med og uden børn. Cliffhanger!




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